Keeping Track of the Little Things

No longer a student

2006-04-27T09:30:00.000-06:00

So, I passed my 2nd attempt at a defense last week, and handed all of my documentation in yesterday. As of today, I am no longer a student! It feels weird: it's exciting and scary at the same time. I don't have to think about school anymore, but I'm now unemployed. I don't like being unemployed with unstructured days, I tend to get very lazy.

I have not much else to say at the moment, but I will try to write more often.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

2006-03-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

So, the whole defense thing? didn't go so well the first time... I've accepted that I failed, and moved on... taking a two-month trip always helps with these sorts of things........ and now i'm about five weeks away from defending again. This time I have a stronger thesis (i think), and am actually taking the time to study some material so that I don't freeze up this time..... some days, it's hard to believe that I'm still here, still working on the same things. I'm so tired of being a grad student, so tired of being in the same place, so tired of going in circles.

Nothing much else is going on, don't want to think about all the craziness going on in the world, it's too depressing...... signing off.

Happy 25th Birthday to ME!!!

2005-07-28T14:58:00.000-06:00

I turn 25 today. As of this day, there are no more age-based restrictions for me... I can rent a car, I have to have my own health plan, etc etc. Craziness. I don't feel like a responsible adult, but I now am one in the eyes of governments and society and such. I'll just have to fake it for a few years until I actually get there, assuming that it's possible.... :P

And yet, here I am, sitting at my desk at school, not working. I have a new deadline for finishing my whole thesis, and I've slacked off for the past two days. I'm never going to graduate at this rate. Ok, well, I'm not going to graduate soon. I'll start working tomorrow, I swear...

not much else to say at the moment, so time to Post.

random musings for another day

2005-07-08T15:04:00.000-06:00

I don't get people. The latest terrorist attack, wtf was the point of that? I just don't understand such fuckedup reasoning that bombings will get people to bend to your will. That's true for all bombing really, all it does is prolong and provoke the cycles of violence that humanity has yet to figure a way out of. Damn fundamentalists. They're all crazy, no matter what fundamentals they follow. If only they could destroy each other without affecting the rest of the planet... Solve the population explosion and never-ending war problems all at once.

Gah, can't think about it too much, my head will explode. And I need that head for finishing my thesis & then defending. Stupid thesis. Why won't it just write itself? Why can't I ever get a test setup to run the first time, instead of having to spend so much time troubleshooting??? gah. I just want to be done :(

Of course, being done means actually doing work. I'm not so good at that. I haven't done a thing today. I don't know why I plan my days, I can't even follow my own plan. I get way too distracted by news and politics and entertainment and everything that isn't my master's project. Such a bad habit, I wonder sometimes how I'll ever hold down a job. It's a good thing I can work fast when I put my mind to it.

Ok, back to work. Had to get that mini-rant out of my head.

What's in a name?

2005-06-22T14:12:00.000-06:00

So, my faculty just got a huge donation, and is now named after the person who donated the money. People are pissed; I just think it's funny that the school sold out and the name's changing 3 months before I finish my degree (well, hopefully only 3 months). Ah whatever, it was going to happen at some point, so I don't really care. At least now my degrees don't quite look like they're from the same school.

I tried the normal test at blogthings, and this is my result:

You Are 50% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)
While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

50% normal... just like I thought...

Thesis writing takes too fucking long. I should stop caring about the quality and just write the rest of the damn thing. I won't end up getting awards anyways, I'd have to work harder to get there. That said, I should write something before I go home for the day.

slow progress is still progress...

2005-06-12T15:08:00.000-06:00

So, another couple of weeks gone. Slowly but surely, I'm making progress towards finishing this whole bloody mess that is my master's degree. I've got 48 pages of work, with 50 figures that need to be put into those pages, so that's 75 pages of my thesis done give or take... it feels good. Not only that, but I've actually gotten most of my testing done too. I have to wait for some stuff to be built, and then I'll be done all of the tests. Yay for progress!

The past couple of weeks have been somewhat better for my mood too. I think I was denying the effects of Accutane on my overall mood before, but I'm now realising that it has made me slightly depressed. The physical effects are fantastic, but the moodiness takes some work to get around. Ah well, now that I've recognized it, I find myself better able to deal with it most of the time. I've made it to working 4 hours a day, instead of the 2 I was averaging before.

I saw Star Wars III last weekend. God, that movie was so funny, and it really shouldn't have been. Bad dialog, cheesy music, inevitable plot: all added up to a fairly good time. Of course, we were sitting in the 2nd row of the theater, so the whole thing took on a surreal quality. Ships with all white interiors get pretty blinding when you're sitting that close to the screen.

What else... oh yeah. I've started watching Hell's Kitchen, on FOX. It's summer crap 'reality' programming at it's best. The chef guy is funny as hell to watch, I just wish they wouldn't censor what he's saying. It's such a weird show, but the people signed up willingly, so they only have themselves to blame. We'll see how long it takes to get totally bored with the show's concept.

Oh look, it's 3PM. I should get back to work. Gotta get this chapter done in the next couple of hours.

maybe I'm not so crazy after all...

2005-06-01T10:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, two weeks since my last post... ah well...

So, today I went to see a counsellor at the university's counselling centre... I figured it couldn't hurt, so I finally held back my pride enough to make the appointment. It's weird, but just being able to dump my concerns onto someone else actually helped. One hour of talking about how I procrastinate about everything, and now my head actually feels lighter. Now, to quickly write this entry so that I can actually start working :P

The past couple of weeks have been not hectic in terms of my thesis project & writing issues. I had a crazy hectic weekend though, from the 20th to the 24th. Friday night I went to see Green Day live in concert, and it was AWESOME!!!!!!!!! I never realised how much I liked their music until that concert, where I was so happy I nearly cried....... god, they're sooo good at what they do, and the whole 2+ hours that they were on stage were such craziness...

Of course, at 5 the next morning I got up & headed to the airport. Destination Las Vegas. Holy crap, that city is nuts... It was ridiculously warm for May - 40+ celcius - and we walked everywhere since we were staying at a hotel on the strip. Such oppulence, and waste....... the electricity to run the lights all night must cost a fortune, all subsidized by the gamblers that are everywhere. To be fair, I did gamble myself, but it was one quarter into a slot machine for which I got back 5! We went to a club on sat night - Rain. Fucking nuts, that place... it was huge, but they still packed in as many people as they could. I've never been hit on as much as at that club, all I had to do was exist! I nearly kicked the crap outta this one guy who wasn't getting the polite hint (hint: if I say I'm tired, it really means fuck off already).

We definitely didn't sleep enough in Vegas, since we were sleeping at 5am and getting up at 10-11am. We saw one of the Cirque du Soleil shows, Zumanity, which is an exploration of human sexuality. That was lots of fun, and totally messed up. What else did we do? oh yeah, we checked out every freakin casino between treasure island and mandalay bay, and went for the buffet at the bellagio for dinner on monday. Saw the weigh-ins for the Contender, with Sly Stallone, while walking through Caesar's Palace. At least I can now say I saw a celebrity while in Vegas. Did some shopping, mainly in the Aladdin... they had a Sephora! I now totally understand why everyone loves those stores, where else can you try on makeup for hours without anyone bothering you? I had to sleep all day tuesday after we got back, I couldn't keep my eyes open. The effects of the trip are finally wearing off - I had trouble sleeping yesterday.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to do some work before lunch!

Uhoh, now I have a deadline...

2005-05-13T11:58:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I now have a hard deadline to finish this damn thesis and all the research work associated with it. On the one hand, it's good - I have a goal, I've created a plan that's not totally unreasonable. On the other hand, my plan calls for working more than 3 hours a day, a lot more for the first couple of weeks. But, this is the only thing that gets me motivated, having a fixed deadline and a strong desire to complete the work before that deadline. Finals were always like this too - I could make a study plan, stick to it, and get most of the work done. I did well in my finals too, for the most part. The next 11 weeks are just going to be an extension of that.

I'm still scared though, cause I really want to get it done and don't want to fail. That's why I decided to make a more detailed plan. I don't know why, but it holds me more accountable for my time. Need to work smarter, that's for sure. So, why am I writing in my blog? Well, I need someplace to vent right? Can't keep all the feelings in, it'll drive me nuts.

I've started reading yet another weightloss book: 'French Women Don't Get Fat'. Other than the somewhat poor grammar in the title, it's a pretty good read so far. Made me think about what my biggest problems are when it comes to weight. There's two things I do that cause a lot of self-sabotage. 9 times out of 10, I'm a totally mindless eater. I don't really think about what is going into my mouth, so I don't think about how much is going in. My worst habit is eating at my desk during the day, I can eat non-stop for like 6 hours. Today, I'm doing better, and the only food I have is cantaloupe. That's another problem, now that I think about it. I don't eat enough fruit/veggies in a day; some days i don't eat any. That's just unhealthy, but so is the whole weight situation. The other thing that I do is watch TV to occupy my time so that I don't have to exert myself. This is going to be a really tough habit to break, because I watch way too much TV and have for as long as I can remember. However, I know that if I'm busy enough elsewhere I won't watch any TV. Maybe the thesis finishing will be a good enough distraction. Although, even then I'm so lazy. I really need to just get off my ass.

Dammit, I'm hungry now. At least there's only a few more minutes till lunch time. Hmm, I need to get cash from the ATM. That's another thing that the book made me realise. If I have lots of cash, or a large supply of snacks, I eat more. The eating of chocolate itself is not a problem, it's the amount. One square? ok. 100 grams? not so much. I need to convince my mom to get those individual squares of really good chocolate, hide them really well, and give me one of those like every 3 days or something (maybe even only once a week). That'd solve the cravings, and it's a small enough amount to not make a difference. Yes, this sounds like a plan. I should get her to cut more fruit too. God, she's gonna go nuts with the 'See? Now you believe me. I've been telling you this for years. You never listen' stuff. I hate it when she's right. I guess all moms are like that, 'cause they've seen it before. I just have too much pride to admit it most days.

And that's all for today. I've got my last dance class tonite, that should be fun. Of course, I'm skipping the actual last class to go to a concert, but whatever. Hmmm, what to have for lunch? I'm off to go check my options...

Mind dump!

2005-05-10T13:38:00.000-06:00

I need another way to procrastinate today... I'm avoiding sending an email to my supervisor (so easy to avoid him when he's on sabbatical and in a different city) that will actually allow me to progress in my research, and get me to the final stage of testing. I have issues.

I'm so tired these days... I don't sleep well, which means I can't get up on time, which means I feel tired throughout the day. I also haven't been drinking much caffeine, so that might be contributing. I just got some coffee, we'll see if that helps. So far so good.

...

Ok, nevermind. The coffee worked so well, I just composed and sent that email! Damn, forget about fixing my caffeine addiction - my productivity suffers way too much. I can even go workout today now that I've done something!

I signed up for a kickboxing class that starts next week. I should have never quit the gym in the first place, but now I really need to go cause I'm so out of shape I don't think I'll be able to handle the class. It's never a good sign when the description for the class says 'Leave your egos at the door.' God, it's pathological how much I set myself up for situations like this. I never manage to stick with any exercise program, and I still haven't figured out exactly why - other than I'm lazy as hell. Most nights I start to watch TV and then don't stop until it's time to go to bed. Hmmmmm............ maybe I should give up TV.

Nah, that'll be waaay too difficult. Well, at least for the next week. I should quit after sweeps ends tho, cause then there's reruns, and I might be able to get over the TV addiciton. God do I ever have an addictive personality. TV, sugar, caffeine, reading news and other websites........ It's a good thing I never tried smoking, I'd be hooked in a week..... Or shopping for that matter, talk about expensive!

Crap, I should get back to work. At least I don't have to say "I should get to work", cause that's so much worse. I'll graduate someday, I swear!

i'm sooooooooooooooooo bored

2005-05-03T16:57:00.000-06:00

oooh look! I'm posting on consecutive days!

Suddenly, I think I just got a little crazier... ah well, everyone's crazy in some way. The people you think are normal? They're just the same kind of crazy that you are.

Well, I'm in a better mood today... Oddly enough, I think it's because I had myself a good cry last night before I went to sleep. Pretend conversations in my head always allow me to work out my issues, so I had a couple last night. Ah, the power of imagination.

Plus I've had loads of good chocolate, so the seretonin is working overtime now :)

But, yeah, I'm bored. I didn't end up going to a bookstore yesterday, but straight home. My brother got home soon after I did, and we were watching tv... This commercial came on for some adult-ADD drug (I still don't get why the US allows commercials for drugs. I don't think it's remotely ethical, and it turns people into hypochondriacs.) and I turned to him and said "I think we both have Adult-ADD". His response: "I think we've always had ADD, we're just smart enough that it didn't affect us in school". So true. For the most part, my brain can't pay attention to anything for very long, unless I'm absolutely interested in it. I can concentrate for periods longer than 15 minutes if I have to, or if I'm reading/watching something cool. But it's fairly rare. I also like starting things way better than finishing them off, so I tend to jump from project to project. My life is all about the flavour of the week (or month, or day, or next 10 minutes, depending).

I'm wearing these new type of contacts, Acuvue Advanced. They're totally fantastic... Super comfy and my eyes don't feel as dry as they did with my previous lenses. Of course, my left eye is still kinda watery, though less than yesterday, so it's hard to tell. I think my tearduct itself is irritated and slightly swollen, which is weird. I don't know what to do about it either. I can't walk around with my eyes closed for 24 hours........

I wanna go home :(

Well, actually, I want this stupid simulation to finish, so I can see if it worked. Then I can go home. I hate sims that are take a long time. You have to wait for hours just to see that you screwed up. At least with my lab tests the results were instantaneous: turn it on and be able to say 'Oh Fuck, not again' in less than 1 second.

What else. Found this cool website: www.bibliophil.org. It allows you to start a list of all the books you've ever read. I've entered in 178 so far, and I know I've read way more. It's actually kinda sad that I can't remember so many of them. The ones from elementary and junior high school are understandable, it was a long time ago. The ones I took out from the library since renewing my card in June 2003? Why can't I remember 60% of those? I must be getting old.

Actually, I am getting old. I turn 25 in less than 3 months.........

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's so scary. I don't wanna be a responsible adult. I mean, 25 is the last stage. No more parental support in any way, shape or form, not even as a full time student. Then there's that whole relationship issue. I've had one relationship in my entire freakin life. Been asked out twice, once at 14 (which to this day I don't know if it was a hoax or not), and then that one relationship. Which lasted a whole 3 months. FUCK!

That's what bugs me the most. I say I choose to be single, and perhaps my body language says that too, but no one even seems to express interest in me, so how can I not be single???? How am I going to find anyone, if I rarely meet anyone and those that I do are not interested?? The whole dating process is actually supposed to be a process, and mine is stuck in an infinite loop: constantly single. Ew. I just geeked out in the middle of a rant. I really am turning into an engineer.

Holy long post, Batman. Ok, I think I'm done for today. More rants may come, but I'm not promising anything. At least this is cheaper than therapy, I hope it can help.

Not on the brink, but I can see it from here

2005-05-02T16:27:00.000-06:00

Man, so I haven't posted in over a month. Whatever, I should know myself well enough to know it's not possible for me to be consistent with posting. Its a good thing no one reads these damn things.

Anyways, I'm on Accutane these days. The medicine is working wonderfully, my skin hasn't looked this good in like 2-3 years, with the acne subsiding and the scars fading (sooooooo slowly). There's a small problem though. I was warned about it too. Accutane can cause a few mood changes. I don't feel it most of the time, only during the days before my period. Like today... This morning, the alarm went off because someone opened the door before turning it off. I was the last one to leave, so I was getting ready and waiting for the company ppl to call so I could tell them that everything was ok. 30 minutes later? NOTHING. Fuck, I was mad. I reset the alarm, let it go through, and then turned it off again. I left 10 minutes later, but still, WTF??? What the hell are we paying them for, if they can't even do what they're supposed to? 30 fucking minutes, and nothing but silence? Fucking useless they are.

Then, I had to go to the contact lens place, because they didn't give me the solution package that they'd promised. Of course, I had to go twice, because they didn't open until 10, but the mall is on my way to school. At least they didn't give me any trouble, I would have blown the biggest spaz if they had. Why couldn't they do it right the first time? Between those two incidents, I was PISSED. I really wanted to go yell at someone, or find a punching bag to hit for a while.

My mood has swung towards sad this afternoon, and I don't know why. I should be pretty happy: my research is going well for once, and I've actually had successful practical tests. My graduation plans are on track, so I won't have to face September still being in university. It's summerish outside, though I never do see it, because I'm chained to a desk all freakin day. Stupid desk jobs. I think I almost want a job doing some physical work because it wouldn't be so monotonous and butt-numbing (which i just noticed, my butt is going numb)

Well, there are things to be sad about actually. I just read a book('Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close') that was pretty sad, it didn't have the typical neat little ending to make you feel better afterwards. I'm STILL single, and it's now been long enough to start bugging me again. I don't get it. Well, I do get parts of it: I'm an intelligent, fiercely independent and proud overweight woman. I don't meet very many single guys in my daily activities, sitting in this cubicle. It makes things more difficult. I have a hard time admitting to anyone but myself that I want a relationship. I'm not difficult to deal with, but I'm guarded because I've been burned way too many times before. Actually, that applies to friends too. The logic almost works: if you never let anyone get too close, you'll never get hurt. Only problem is, you get lonely. Really lonely sometimes. I pray that I'll find someone that understands me. It's all I really want. Why is that so hard, finding someone that will understand & love me? Christ, now I'm gonna start to actually cry, as opposed to having my left eye water constantly because my whole body is so dry from the Accutane that my eyelid is irritated...

I think I need to go home early. Take some time off on purpose. I know what I will do. I'm going to a bookstore. That always makes me happy. And I likely won't buy anything, unless there's lots on the discount table. Books on sale are my weakness. I know retail therapy is a copout, but I don't care. You can't be perfect.

Green Beer scares me

2005-03-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

It's St Patricks day today; yay for lushes! But seriously, green beer kinda scares me... like it'd be twice as strong, being "Irish", and give you twice the hangover. Not that I get hangovers, if I drink enough I end up puking somewhere, and then don't feel so bad the next day (unless I have to clean up, which almost always sucks).

I've been somewhat procrastinating for almost a week, and haven't done any work for my research in at least 24 hours. It's bad, cause if I don't do the work, I'll never find out what's causing the instability in my circuit, and then I'll never graduate. And I wanna graduate really badly. Like tomorrow. I've knocked a few things off the list, so I'm narrowing down the field somewhat. I have a test that I should be running now, but I can't bring myself to go all the way to the lab.

In the meantime, I've been doing some websurfing... Today's websurfing started at Television Without Pity, of course, until the forum servers kicked me off (perhaps they sensed I should be working?)... After that, I ended up reading something on blogging, which lead me to look up the 2005 Bloggies, which lead me to surf through a bunch of blogs on blogger... it's fascinating what comes up when you hit the 'get next blog' button. Those advertising blogs are weird tho, I don't get how they would work, but I'm pretty impervious to most advertising anyways. I also found this article on one blog, called 'how to blog'. It was an interesting list, starting with the advice to post everyday. I'm so bad with that. But, seeing as I doubt anyone's ever read this, or will in the near future, even if I post the ramblings coming out of my somewhat messed up brain each day, it'd probably work.

Even though my project feels like it's been stuck in the same place since December, I decided it was time to start figuring out what I want to do after I'm done this (which will happen soon, knock on wood), so I'm taking a seminar thingy called "Life after Graduation". Last week was an intro, figuring out general values when it comes to our future career & life... This week we looked at skills, and got the results back from the Myers-Briggs test that we had to do... I still have the same type, INTP, which is apparently quite rare, but I think the scale for most of the categories has gone down. I'm no longer as definitely in any category, which is probably a good thing. Of course, I procrastinated yesterday knowing that, by looking up websites with lengthy type descriptions to find out more information. God, if people ever wanted to learn how to procrastinate, I'd be an excellent teacher. I can do it for weeks at a time. But that probably has a lot to do with my personality type, cause I get distracted easily if I find an opportunity to learn something new and will abandon what I'm working on if the new thing captures my imagination.

I also got chosen as a forum moderator for this new project at school. They've decided to set up a forum for new students, so that they can find out info about the school and meet other first years, with the goal of retaining more people who are accepted. I get to help moderate the general forum, though I have no idea what it would cover. Training is this Sunday, so we'll see what they have to say then... At least we get lunch.

Went to a house party last Friday, that was interesting... It kind of restored my faith that there are interesting, fun people out there; you just have to find the places to meet them. If there's alcohol present, it certainly makes things easier, but starting up a conversation with someone takes no more than a smile and a half-decent opening line. Considering that you only really need that meeting to work once (cause then you've found that perfect significant other), you might as well keep trying knowing that it's not too hard.

But, not with green beer, cause that just scares me a bit...

meh

2005-03-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

So, it's been 3 weeks or so... yeah, nothing's working still. Still have an unstable circuit, and still haven't figured out why. I've changed frequency bands, tested various setups, and the only thing I've determined is that the original design was stable while my new design is not. I don't know why. I don't know that I want to know why. All I know is that I want to graduate soon. At least I got to start a thesis outline, which I can work on slowly while I do all this testing shite.

Otherwise, nothing new to report. Nothing new ever happens really...

me lazy? never...

2005-02-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's been a month since I posted. I've been procrastinating with lots of things: work, exercise, talking to people... pretty much everything really.

It took me FOREVER to finally fix the problems associated with my stupid filter. Between actual issues and my own stupidity I've managed to spend eight weeks searching for bugs. I guess it could be worse, but it's still frustrating as hell. Now, I have to solder these connections and pray that the damn thing works. I've put it off for 4 days already. I don't want to find out that it doesn't work. That would mean more research, and I wanna graduate already. According to my plan, I should have the testing done mid-April, and have my thesis submitted in the beginning of July. I guess there's still a month cushion if I want to be done with everything by the beginning of September (before the fee deadline, I am not registering as a student in Fall05...). But, the prospect of it not working scares me, and is somewhat paralyzing. That's really the problem, because I'm not 100% certain that it will work in the end, and then I'm screwed. Ah, whatever, I should be an optimist about this. Something that works so well in theory should at least be slightly functional in practise. It'll work.

There's this new version of msn messenger(c) out, still in the beta testing phase. It's really cool, with lots of new features to distract one's self with. It has little flash animations that you can send to people, as well as a 'handwriting feature' that's basically a mini version of Paint. I love that feature, probably because that's one of the first type of program we got to use back in elementary school. Huh. Considering how cool I thought they were in 1986, it's not that surprising that I ended up in engineering after all.

That said? I don't know how much longer I'll last in engineering. If things go according to my plan (which rarely, if ever, happens), I'll get a quasi-research job in an exciting new city somewhere after I'm done my masters. After working for about 5 years, I'll go back to school, probably to get an MBA (but maybe not, that art degree still is tempting) and move into management type jobs. But, who knows? Life never works out exactly as planned, and mine so far hasn't been even close. If it had? I'd be in my 4th year of med school right now, not in my second year of a master of science in engineering. I'd also be fit, and have a fabulous bf (or fiance), and be living in a fab apartment. I'm not fit, single, and still live at home (which has a few benefits, one of which is not having to assume responsibility for my life yet). God, I'm so lazy, I can't even bring myself to work out on a consistent basis. Right around the 6 week mark things always fall apart. I should figure out why that is. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm slightly crazy (like most people)...

Nah. I'm just lazy. It's a habit I picked up a long time ago, so it'll be a hard habit to break. But, anything is possible. Right?

i'm all sniffly...

2005-01-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

I hate being sick. Runny nose, sore throat, slight headache that won't go away... it sucks.

I went to my first drop-in fitness class yesterday. Holy crap. I guess that's what I get for not working out for 6 weeks, cause I can barely walk today. But, it was a fun class, so I think I may have found an exercise regime that works. There's lots of different classes, so I hopefully won't get too bored with them over the next 4 months. Plus, I pushed myself a whole lot more than I would ever do if working out by myself. Now, if I could just get this whole eating thing under some sort of control, I might actually be successful in getting in shape!

On the research front, things have been kinda slow. I slacked off the first week of the year, and spent the second week preparing for my second seminar presentation. I hate presentations. This time, as I was talking, I looked at the audience and realised how incredibly bored they all looked. I really need to get over that fear of public speaking, though I don't know how I'll ever manage it.

I finally tested the new boards, with the faint hope that they might work the first time. Haha. Nope, not even close. They basically didn't work at all, with all kinds of problems with the power supply. Have to figure that out before I can tackle any other potential problems. I think they may work now, but I'm so tired I need to rest for a while before I even think of going back to the lab. The path to the lab involves stairs, and those are just not happening right now. It'd be really nice if the circuit works now, so that I can do some actual testing. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to deal with all of the resistors and the capacitor banks. This could yet get very, very complicated.

I need to find something to do with my evenings & weekends too. I get so bored at home these days, and nothing seems to be grabbing my attention right now. Hmm, now that I think about it, I remember this being some form of procrastination, I think... I'll have to go home & find where I put the notes I took from that procrastination handbook. I should review those lessons again; I seem to be slipping.

I've been mildly interested in astrology lately, and I read a horoscope for the year today that was quite interesting. It basically said that I have two choices over the next 8 months: focus on the short-term, like gossip, TV, and news; or focus on the long term, like books and philosophy & religion, and university. That rang so true for me, it's a bit scary. I read all kinds of news websites, and the paper, and magazines, and watch TV to distract myself from things I'm supposed to do at school and at home. It was starting to dawn on me this week, cause the sites I visit have been slow in posting new content, but seeing it written so succinctly really drove it home. It's time to change, for sure. Maybe watching less TV will help focus my brain, so I don't feel like I have ADD. That'd be nice, to be able to concentrate for more than 5 minutes.

Ok, I should go do something, there's only so much slacking off one person can do.

Happy New Year!!!

2005-01-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone, Happy New Year!!

It's 2005, holy crap. Time's passing is freakin relentless. I really need to start doing more with my life, so far I really haven't chosen the path less travelled, and things have been a bit dull. Not that I'm complaining, dull is usually a good thing, considering the myriad of disasters out there.

2004 was an interesting year, started off perhaps on the wrong note. I just found out that the semi-random that I made out with last new year's had a girlfriend at the time, which makes that whole episode a bit scandalous. After that, let's see... My last semester of classes, thank god. I'm so done with assignments and exams & all that garbage. I took another art class too, which was loads of fun. Sree & I patched things up, just before she had her quarter-life crisis and nearly dropped out of school. The summer was alright, though all of the setbacks I had with my research put a damper on any good points. My b'day party was good, and yet a bit of a disaster at the same time. I'm never drinking that much again, that's for sure. Fall semester brought lots of progress with school, and now at least my supervisor doesn't think I'm totally hopeless. I might even graduate early (knock on wood)! Oh, then there was the hockey... That was a fantastic distraction from the everyday troubles. I became better friends with bernie & hanford, which is great. It's gonna suck when they're not on campus anymore.

Well, so it wasn't a totally useless year, just not the most exciting one. They can't all be exciting right?

There's only issue I haven't been able to resolve yet, the hardest one for me: my weight. There's been some progress, and then some setbacks, so I'm practically at the same place as this time last year. Maybe with a bit more endurance/stamina. This is the year though. It has to change, I'm not dragging the fatness with me to my next phase in life. I can do it, I'm sure, but it's going to take all the resolve and will power I have to stick with progress, and not relapse.

And now I have to go clean, stupid party tomorrow night.

(can't think of a title)

2004-12-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm bored, so I'm going to blather on for a bit. It's the 21st of December, 3 days until Christmas. My, how time flies. I have so many things to do still, but none of them can be done at the moment.

This time of year does make you think though. There's so much craziness going on in the world, all the time, and I'm almost certain we're headed for major disaster if things don't change. Closer to home, I've started to realise that I'm incredibly well off, all things considered. I have a good family, even though they're slightly crazy, and lots of good friends who understand that I'm terrible at keeping in touch with them. I'm smart, and quite successful at school. My health could be better, for which I'm constantly promising myself that I will fix it. Soon enough, that'll actually happen.

And, now I have to go home. More randomness will come later, I'm sure.

7 shopping days till Christmas... crap.

2004-12-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

There's 7.5 days left till Christmas... wow, how time flies. I still have to buy presents!

At least things are going well these days. I've got all my supplies for my circuit, now I just have to finish my testbed design, chose which version I'll test first, and then start testing. It's a bit scary, but exciting at the same time :)

I finally had my dermatologist appointment today... I got my prescription for Accutane, no problem. It's never a good sign when you ask for something and your doctor agrees instantly, but that does prove that it's necessary. God, I hope it works. It has to work. I'm getting too old to have to deal with acne anymore, I'm already having to deal with signs of aging!

Ah, time for our Research Group's Christmas Lunch, yay! No more work for the afternoon... oh, wait, I haven't done any work this morning either... ah well, there has to be some advantage to being a graduate student, right?

It's all in my head, isn't it....

2004-12-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's December 6, 22 sleeps till christmas... The malls are a zoo, it's cold outside, and here at the university, I'm making real progress. It's the bestest present ever, the knowledge that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not that far away!

Hmm, I just realised something. It's December 2004. I'm supposed to start researching career options and job opportunities right about now. It's possibly even more urgent than when I originally came up with the plan, because I might realistically graduate earlier than the end of August05. Shite. I need a plan, ASAP. Well, it's not that urgent, but I do have to put some time into the whole "rest of my life" thing in the new year, that's for sure.

Otherwise, life just keeps rolling along. I've sorta got a handle on my weight, though it isn't going down as quickly as I'd like. I may have to step up the effort in that area, especially with the whole christmas-new year party season starting up. I think I still need to convince myself that it's possible, unfortunately. You'd think I'd be beyond needing positive reinforcement, but I do. It's so true, if you think you can do something, it can make all the difference. Of course, the last time I was successful at losing weight, I didn't really think about it, but I didn't think I couldn't do it either. The times I've been determined to do something, it usually happens. I just need to figure out how to channel that stubborn determination towards losing weight/getting healthy. I also need to address the issues behind the weight. It's dawned on me recently that I use my excess weight as a crutch in all kinds of social situations. It's like a safety blanket, allowing me to blend into the background and avoid getting too close to anyone. Maybe I should go talk to a counsellor or something. It might help.

I'm tired, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was more awake then than I am now, which is sad, cause I kinda need to be awake now. Well, maybe not. I've already done more work today than normal, and I've caught up with a few people. I've done enough to deserve a nap, I think. Which is what I'm gonna take!

So much for November...

2004-11-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

Well, it's now the end of November. Time flies when you're totally disaffected with life.

Ok, so maybe I'm not totally disaffected. Just partially, with certain aspects. I really wish I was done this whole master's thing already, so that I could move on. I've definitely made progress, but it'd be nicer if the whole process was over. At least I'm putting in some hours each day, so I can't be too mad at myself...

Nothing much else going on... just making it through the days, one by one... Still don't know what I'll do next, though the picture is getting a bit clearer. I really think I'd enjoy management, since I like organizing things more than I like doing them. I don't know if I could handle office politics for too long, but that's one of the hazards I guess.

I really have nothing else to say, I guess I should get back to work. Again.

Does anyone out there want to do my work for me?

2004-11-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

Anyone willing to work for a couple of months on some simulations in multi-dimensional signal processing? I need a vacation, but I need to finish all of this work too.

Dammit, another week's gone by. I've made progress, but I fear that there's much more to do that I don't yet know about. Perhaps I should try to learn more about my project, and actually start taking control over it's direction... Nah, that'd require more thinking than I seem capable of these days. I just want this to be over already. Well, sort of. I still haven't defined a plan for when I'm done, beyond "find a job". If I knew just a few more specifics, like where/what/when, I'd be much happier and better able to focus on getting this done. Not knowing whats coming up next for me in life is exciting, but also incredibly scary.

ah, I got distracted, and now I don't know what else I was going to say. I'm out

November 1, and all may yet turn out to be ok...

2004-11-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it's November 1, 2004. Tomorrow, the people of the US go to the polls, to elect a new president. That choice will make all the difference in the path that humanity is wandering along. I wonder what this period in history will look like to people 200 years in the future. Will they look at Americans in a positive light? Will they think they're even stupider than we think? What will their lives be like, compared to ours? The people on the planet are using up resources so fast, that I wonder if there will be anything left for the people destined to follow in our wake... Not that I've really changed any of my rampant consumerism in light of the facts. If I start thinking about this stuff too much, my brain will explode.

From a totally different perspective, it's the beginning of freakin November. I've made significant progress in my research, but it's still a scary thought that yet another semester is half over. I'm getting older by the day, and not enough in my life is changing. I wanna get out of this city soo badly, but I don't have the first clue as to where I'll go. It's a scary prospect, having to pick a city (&/or country) to make a new home in. I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life. At all. Not having any direction in my life has worked in the past, but now scares me because it means just accepting whatever is the best option at the time. On the other hand, I don't really regret the choices I've made so far, so perhaps it's not such a bad idea.

I only have one serious regret in life, and that is not staying physically active at certain critical phases in my life. I should'nt have quit swimming, that lead to the initial significant weight gain in Grade 8. I also would have had far fewer weight issues if I'd stayed in physed all through high school, instead of quitting in Grade 10. Grade 11 was the worst year for me, weight wise. Of course, third year was a bit of a setback as well, but that's more understandable since things got sooo hectic. My main consolation is that the effects of these inactions are reversible.

Speaking of which, one week into the program set up by the personal trainer, I feel pretty good about things. I'm not totally exhausted, so I can continue. Having a set program takes all of the indecision out of the process. Now I can just go in and do my thing. I'm having a bit more trouble controlling what I eat, because I had/have some seriously bad eating habits. So, while I probably haven't lost any weight, I feel better because I'm at least somewhat active and I've possibly lost a few mm of fat off of various places. I look forward to the day that all of my pants are comfortable/loose, though then I won't have much left to wear. More shopping I guess.

Ok, back to work, things to do, people to see...

yay for progress!

2004-10-21T15:57:00.000-06:00

I'm making progress in my work, yay! This feeling is so new to me, actually being productive every day. Even better, I've moved on from stupid simulation issues to actual engineering work! It's so cool, and a bit scary, to actually have to make decisions about my design and what compromise provides the best solution to the problem.

I didn't get chosen for that fitness challenge, probably because I'm not taking classes this year. Ah well, the thought of everyone knowing my problems kinda scared me. This blog's ok, because I'm pretty sure no one ever reads it. Instead I got a bit of a discount on personal training, so I'm taking that instead. I have my personal training session tomorrow, where the trainer's gonna set up a program that I can follow for the next two months. My goal is to lose about 10 pounds in that time, so that I'm about 160 by Christmas. That way I can try to lose 15 over the next 4 months, and hit my goal weight by the end of April, with plenty of time left over to make sure it happens by my birthday.

Of course, I say this every freakin year. This time feels different, probably because my body's seriously starting to complain about the abuse it's taken due to my being overweight for so freakin long. I'm gettin older, and if I don't do this over the next few months, it'll be much harder later on.

Hmm, 9 weeks left till christmas. This just might work. I can't eat chocolate for that time, or cookies, or chips, or the 5 million other junk food options out there, cause that will end up being my downfall. I've heard that buying a bunch of really good chocolate, and eating one piece a day to satisfy the craving usually works. I might try that. The abandoning sugar entirely tends to bring out the worst in me, so it probably won't be the best idea.

But, most importantly, I'm making progress in my research, which means I'm that much closer to graduation! Yay for progress!

late nite musings

2004-10-11T01:20:00.000-06:00

Early in the morning, Thanksgiving Day (in Canada)...

Don't feel like sleeping yet, so I might as well babble for a while.

What am I thankful for? Lots of things. I'm thankful for most of life really, if you don't want to hear a laundry list of details. I have a good family and group of friends, even if they're scattered around the country. I haven't had to face any significant hardship, for the most part.

And I'm definitely thankful for chocolate. It's good shite.

Huh, funny how that works. Now I'm tired. Might as well sleep then, gnite.

Another week down the hole

2004-10-08T15:27:00.000-06:00

It's Friday, yay! A Friday before a long weekend is always extra special. People start slacking off even earlier than normal. Me, I've actually had a productive week. Things are starting to make some sense now, and I can actually get my math to correspond to my simulations, it's very exciting. Yay for progress!

The university kinesiology department is taking applicants for this fitness challenge, and I applied. The first time I filled out the application, I really wasn't paying attention so I only wrote enough text to fill the box explaining my goals for the program. As it turns out, however, you could write 100 words for that box, and 100-400 for the box explaining why they should chose you. God, I really am becoming totally absent-minded. It's quite scary really.

Anyways, I panicked, cause I thought they wouldn't pick me, so I emailed the dept to ask if I could modify my original application. They let me send in a new one, and within an hour of sending it, I got an email saying I was shortlisted! That was pretty cool, but now I have a new set of questions to fill out. Better take my time with this one.

The challenge basically gives you free personal training and assesments and shite, in exchange for writing a bi-weekly column in the school newspaper and having your progress be made public. Oddly enough, that prospect doesn't scare me much. I don't really care who finds out about it, unless I fail horribly (that'd just be embarassing). I really, really hope I'm chosen for this, it'd be awesome!

Other than that, not much goin on... Hmm, I wonder if anyone will notice if I left now....

October

2004-10-04T13:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it's October. I don't quite know what happened to September, but now it's over. I don't quite know what I did for most of September either, and that might be more of a problem.

I did the CIBC Run for the Cure yesterday, finished 5km in a time of 54 minutes. Not too bad considering that people much more fit than myself finished it in 37 minutes. Only 17 minutes behind :P

I volunteered for the film festival again this year, it's quite fun. You get to see any film that isn't sold out with your volunteer pass, which is pretty cool. And the work isn't hard either, unless a screening is sold out and people start to get irate. Who knew that my experience in the fast food industry, dealing with some of the worst customers, would come in handy?

Work's going well, for once. I know what I'm doing with my simulations, and I managed to get the boards fixed so that I could actually put them together fairly quickly when I need to. It's always a good sign when your supervisor says " You just need to do these few tasks, test a few things and you'll have enough material to start writing your thesis." Made my day.

Ok, my brain's not functioning anymore, so I'm gonna go find a caffeine fix. I read today that a study has proven that people do get addicted to caffeine, and it might become an officially listed addiction, in whatever book it is that they list these things. Craziness, but I could have told them that years ago, after observing my parents daily routines (I sure as hell can't drink caffeine at 7 PM and be asleep 3 hours later. Try 6 or 7, minimum).

School's Starting, Again...

2004-09-09T18:50:00.000-06:00

Ah, a new school year. A chance to fix the things you did wrong the year before. An influx of new people on campus. And I'm STILL here... But, that's ok, because I will graduate within a year, I'm not giving myself a choice about it. I even have a plan, and I put it on my cubicle wall so that hopefully I won't slack off quite as much anymore.

It is a bit scary to see how young the new first-years are... Makes me wonder how old I am. I'm definitely not yet used to being 24, it's just weird to me that that much time has passed since I was an undergrad myself. 24 just seems so, well, OLD. Some days it feels like the last year just never existed, even though it obviously did.

It's going to be a lonely semester though, with everyone that I know dissappearing for better things elsewhere. It's just me and sree now, wandering the halls of campus and around the city, looking for a bit of adventure to distract from the tedium of grad school. At least we know now that we have to make a concious effort to find things to do, so we might have a bit of fun every now & then. We're also gonna have to deal with & get over the pettier issues in our relationship. Funny how things end up working out sometimes.

My research is going ok, I'm starting to figure some things out... It's nice to not feel like a dumbass all the time, and to make progress, even if it's incredibly slow. I'm hoping that by putting more time & effort into this project, I might start to make faster progress. That'd be soo nice, because then I'd be outta here faster.

Ok, back to work for me... Gotta do something for the next 1.5 hours...

Turns out I'm not so smart after all....

2004-08-25T13:02:00.000-06:00

Well, I've found part of the problem for my simulation: I'm a dumbass when I don't think things through. Even though it kinda bugged, I changed part of my code, to get different results. Turns out that was a bad move. Now I at least have an appropriate impulse response, I just need to figure out how to turn it so that it's actually at 45 degrees, as opposed to 0.5 degrees. :P

I may just be on target for my revised schedule, the one that'll hopefully have me graduating by June/July next year (it has built in cushions for future disasters, because I know they're coming).
It'll be so good to get away from this place, I can't stand it anymore. The weather's been really shitty the past week, and that hasn't helped either. It's all so depressing.

At the same time, I think I may be subconsciously sabotaging myself, because I have no idea what I'll be doing after my master's, and that scares me. As soon as I can, I'm gonna have to start researching the job market to see what options are out there.

As for my other goal, that's pretty stagnant too. My weight's still hovering around 171/172. I'm gonna have to do something more drastic to move past that weight, I think. Perhaps it is time for the South Beach Diet again, even though I only lost 5 pounds on it the last time I tried it.

Ah, whatever. Back to work.

Damn, where DID that time go?

2004-08-19T14:43:00.000-06:00

Wow, August 19th... Classes start in three weeks, meaning the summer's practically over and I've barely made any progress in my research. Lots of work, but no real progress. Well, not even lots of work, cause I'm such a slacker. I'm trying to change, but it's not easy to change a habit that I've had since I was a kid.

My supervisor's back, finally, and after meeting with him yesterday, I have some direction for where to go. Of course, I also realised that I didn't put much thought into these simulations when I wrote them the first time, almost none at all. It really does make a difference if you actually think about things before starting them. I'm still not at the point where the simulation is working, but I'm closer than I was previously, since I now have a clue about what I'm doing.

In other news, well, there's not really much to report. Haven't really done much in the past few days.

AHHH! The server got rid of the rest of my entry!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid computers.

Let's see, what did I type before? Oh yeah, went on a 23km hike on sunday, not in quite good enough shape to do that really. The last 5km was sooo hard, my joints were really complaining. Of course, I've also worked out the past two days, so I'm still a bit sore.
Oh yeah, Sree won this limo package for ladies' night at the Whiskey last week, that was interesting. My first ladies' night. They're kinda sad really, with the cheesy entertainment, and the much more interesting dessert buffet. I dunno how much longer I'll be doing the clubbing thing, it's just not much fun for me anymore.

Ah yes, the last thing. Seems like I'll be almost friendless by September. It's just gonna be sree & me, wandering the city. Gotta figure out a way to make new friends, but it's hard when you've been living in the same city for so long. First, however, I have to figure out what's going on with this simulation, so I can FINALLY move on to something else.

Ahh, vacation...

2004-08-09T16:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I've just gotten back from vacation. It's quite amazing how easy it is to get used to not working, and how hard it is to get back into the swing of things. Vacations are never long enough.

As for my work, unfortunately not much has changed. I think it's time to admit to the boss that I really don't know what I'm doing. I hate having to say that. I guess I have a couple of days to see if I can figure anything out, but I haven't put much effort into it yet. It's so hard to try to change one's habit of procrastination. Hmmm. The book I got on that suggested setting aside 1 hour, where you work on a particular project, no distractions. I think I will try that, but I don't know what to do.

Summer's almost over, which is sad. Time flies when you're avoiding work.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2004-07-28T16:24:00.000-06:00

Today is my 24th birthday. Damn, don't know how that happened, I really wasn't supposed to get older, i swear... Ah well, it happens to everyone, so there's no point in complaining. It did scare me a bit last week, but I came to accept it sometime since then, so it doesn't scare me anymore. I will have to become more responsible, but still have fun to keep my sanity.

Had a bit of a crazy party on the weekend, got a bit too drunk, made out with a guy. I've decided that I'm never drinking into the double digits again, it just makes me throw up later and that's just not pleasant. At least I made it to the toilet this time.

Other than that, I didn't do much this week. I'm reading this book on how to overcome procrastination. I swear that book could've been written about me, because I've done every type of procrastination at one point or another. I'm finally making it to the what to do section, so we'll see if I can actually put any of the advice to use. It's really never worked before, so I don't know if it'll work now.

Haven't done much at work either, except order the boards and parts. I really have to figure some of this stuff out, before my graduation gets pushed back to 2008. I hate being stuck, it makes me so unproductive because I can't figure it out, so I put all my procrastination skills into avoiding it. I could teach a class on how to avoid doing things.

Ah well, at least it's still nice outside. So what if I haven't gotten anything done in a month? It's my Birthday!!

I don't wanna grow up...

2004-07-22T11:16:00.000-06:00

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's my birthday in 6 days!!!!!!

I turn 24, and it scares the crap outta me. I don't want to become a responsible adult, and have to make those tough choices about what I'm actually going to do with my life. I want to be able to pretend I can do anything & everything that I want to, without having to choose between any two, or three, or twenty options.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'll be ok. It's not like I've figured out how to stop time yet. It's so funny, because I think it happens to everyone. One day you look at yourself in the mirror, and realise that you've gotten older. You're no longer the carefree kid that can just follow along with whatever path life happens to throw in front of you. Problem is, I still do that. I don't have a life plan, or a 5 year plan for that matter. I always justify it by saying "You can never tell what life will throw in your way to foil those carefully laid out plans, so why bother making them?" Lately, I've been thinking that it really can't work that way, cause if you constantly wait for life to figure things out for you, you'll get old in the meantime without having discovered enough about yourself to determine that you're on the right path.

In the meantime, I have to figure out what the hell is going on with my research. Everytime I think I have a handle on how this whole thing works, I'll attempt some minor simulation and that understanding all goes to hell. At least I have proper boards on the way at some point, so I can test whether it'll work soon enough. Of course, I'll have no idea whether it works or not, because I can't get the simplest simulations to work properly. At the rate I'm going, I should graduate sometime in 2006, which just CAN'T happen. I need to be outta here latest by August 2005. No way in hell am I going to register into my 8th year at the same freakin university.

The hardest thing to do is keep myself disciplined (as evidenced by my writing things out here, and surfing the web for 4 hours a day). It's funny, I've become such a good procrastinator, I can go for days without doing any real work. I should teach a class on it.

Ok, let's see if there is any progress to be made with this freakin project. I'm going on vacation next week, I need to make some progress.

musings

2004-07-15T15:29:00.000-06:00

Ok, so there's no grand topic available for today's posting. It's been an incredibly dull week, full of distractions and slacking off. I hate it when I get into one of those cycles: my life sucks, I have nothing to do, therefore I will do nothing. Eh, it's hard to explain, but it basically means I don't do anything at work, nor anything outside of work. Might be the first signs of depression, but i'm not sure about that. I guess lately I've been feeling like I'm losing all my friends in this city, one by one. It'll make it easier to move, but the next year or so will probably be quite trying.

Well, it hasn't been totally unproductive. I've definitely caught up on my web surfing :)

A sampling of the websites I venture to semi-regularly:

Television Without Pity: A website about one of my favourite activities - watching TV. The writers are brilliant and don't let anything slide.
Slate: Sure, it's sponsored by the evilest of corporations, but the opinions are usually entertaining.
Tickle (formerly Emode): They've got tons of quizzes about yourself. ok, so it's really just a great way to procrastinate at work, but it's all good.
CNN: It's CNN! Good place to get some news to keep up with the world.

Those are a good start. I'd post more, but that'd just indicate exactly how sad my life is.

It's finally looking and feeling like summer outside, and it's about time. I was starting to think we'd never get any warm weather at all, which isn't that unusual in Canada. It's always funny to
watch people's reactions to the crazy weather we get, when they see it for the first time.

Oh yeah, there's that topic I've been avoiding, my 24th birthday. Crap, I'm getting old!!!! I don't even know if I want to do anything to celebrate it, since most years whatever I do turns into disaster anyways. It's scary how quickly time flies when you're trying to ignore it.

I need to get outta here, before I go completely crazy. I'd take a nap outside, but I'm scared of the bugs :(

Time flies when you're having fun?

2004-07-09T09:48:00.000-06:00

Wow, so it's been a week since I last posted. Huh.

I didn't even do anything exciting this past week, I was at home most of the time. Well, I guess you could say I started a new workout routine, one that had me walking around a bit more, and in the gym Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I think that's the first time in my life I've worked out 3 days in a row. A good start, but it'll probably have to be almost every day once my endurance goes up a bit.

Oh, I've been trying to get my passport renewed this week. It's turned into such a gong show. Got my pictures taken at Walmart, which being a giant useless corporation, didn't have particularly good staff at the portrait studio, so the pictures turned out ridiculously dark. Made me look like I'd spent the past year on the beach (all 365 days of it). It does make sense that they'd want a picture of you that looks like you, so it got rejected, and I had to get them redone. Now I get to take them back to the goverment building downtown. Meh, if I didn't want to travel so badly at the end of the summer, I wouldn't have bothered with this whole thing.

I've been trying to not eat anything with added sugar in it for about a week now too. Man, that is so much harder than it sounds. I'm a total junk food addict, especially with the chocolate & sugar based foods. I totally went through chocolate withdrawl, and the sugar thing's only being kept in control with fruit. Well, actually, that's probably not the worst thing in the world, because I'm eating more fruit while probably cutting down on overall calorie intake.

Oh, the supervisor's back in town for the week, thank god. I've finally gotten the damn thing to work, and I now have a fairly clear picture of what I need to do over the next month. That said, I really need to be more productive while I'm at school, which shouldn't be too hard. Ramping up from 2 semi-productive hours a day can't be too hard to do, though it'll never get to 8 hours in an 8 hour day (I'm way too distractable for that - minor ADD as far as I can tell).

Speaking of productiveness, I should get to work.... At least it's Friday!!

Life's just not fair sometimes

2004-07-02T14:59:00.000-06:00

Life isn't fair. Some people take years to figure this out; me, I figured it out early on in life, when I kept getting screwed over, and others had it easy. It turned me into a cynic, but that's ok, because not expecting good things to happen means you're not disappointed when they don't. Take a recent example: one of my friends (who always seems to get things the easy way in life) had her grade changed miraculously from a B- to an A-. She failed the freakin final, but for whatever strange reason, now she has a higher grade than I do. I hate that. I shouldn't be jealous, but it pisses me off a bit that she didn't do the work and will get away with it. At the same time, it's not like I can do anything about it, because it's just weird.

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I felt she's coasting through life, while the rest of us have to struggle. I was shocked when I found out last year that our other friends thought the same thing. It's caused a bit of friction between us at times, when the jealousy kicks in. There are days that I really resent the fact that she's thin and I'm not, even though she had nothing to do with it. Last year she admitted that she thought I was the one who got lucky all the time, but I still don't see it that way. I guess sometimes good things happen to me, and that was one of those times. Ah well, best not to dwell on things, it just makes you bitter, which I'm trying to work on.

In other news, I'm trying to kick the sugar habit, and that's turning out to be harder than i thought. I started on Wednesday, and had a small setback when I ate the one candy after lunch (it was free though, you can't let that go to waste). Today's been a bit rough, I nearly caved about half an hour ago, but went for the diet pepsi in order to fool my body into thinking it's getting some sugary/chocolaty type substance. Kicking a chocolate/sugar habit has to be one of the hardest things, excepting the really serious drugs. How are you supposed to ignore cravings for something that your body actually requires to keep you alive?? True, starches are broken down into glucose, but when you've been handing your body processed sugar, and then stop abruptly, it'll complain. So far I'm not limiting natural sugars, so I'm eating more fruit when I get those cravings. And the occasional diet soda, like right now. I think it's helping though, I haven't done anything but situps in the past couple of days, but I'm losing a bit of weight (my pants aren't quite so tight).

I can do this, I'm not going to be overweight for the rest of my life. I really want to see what it's like to be at a normal weight, I don't remember how it feels (the last time I was at a normal weight, I was 8). To go into a store, pick something off the shelf, try it on, and not have to reject it because it's stretching to the breaking point will be amazing. I'll only have to reject it because it's ugly!

Ok, back to work, I promised I'd figure some of my problems out for the meeting on Monday. It's so nice to actually make progres.

musings

2004-06-28T14:31:00.000-06:00

So, I'm trying to redo this circuit board, without starting from scratch. It's not going too well, but I'm learning a new program at the same time, so that makes it harder. I really should get it done soon, so that I can get it approved before my supervisor goes on vacation. I still don't even know if he's back yet. If he doesn't come back soon, I'm gonna lose a good month off of my thesis, which means I'll be here even longer. Maybe I should just take vacation during that time, I don't have too much to lose.

It's finally election day in Canada, which means there won't be any annoying political ads on tv after tonight. That's the only good thing about unexpected elections, you don't have to deal with ads for 6 months because the politicians don't know when they should start. Some days I really wish I could change the world, but then I'd have to enter politics, and I can't stand that shite. I'd never be able to fake my way through life without getting to the point that I'd kill myself.

Hmm, what else? Oh, I went to a party on Saturday, that was a bit crazy. I ran into one girl I was friends with back in high school, but haven't talked to much since. I had always figured she was a bit snobbish, so that's why she never talked to me. After a couple of drinks (alcohol: the great equalizer) she admitted that she just figured we didn't like her that much, so she wasn't sure what we'd think. It's funny how paranoid you can get about what others think of you, especially at that age. Put me in the same situation now, and I don't care what other people think for the most part. I do try not to make an ass of myself, but I have tons more self confidence than I did in high school. At least I can talk to people now, without getting flustered. That party made me feel old though, cause high school actually was a long time ago at this point (i started nearly 9 years ago. It's scary to think my 10 year junior high school reunion could be 1 year away, if it happens. I've got work to do.)

It was also my best friend from high school's bday on Saturday. We're both soo terrible at keeping in touch, but the bond that we formed in high school is definitely there for life. I always hope we'll start talking more often, but we just keep getting worse. Ah well, one of these days we'll figure it out, and then things should be good. We always said that we'd end up in a nursing home together, 90 years old and still bitching at the world. At least this way we'll always have stories to tell, cause we haven't told them to each other yet.

ok, back to work. I better not have to start this stupid board from scratch.

Vote, eh?

2004-06-24T12:15:00.000-06:00

So, I'm taking a dance class these days, and I actually managed to forget to go to one a couple of weeks ago, because at the ripe old age of 23 my memory's already starting to fail me rather substantially. Fortunately the place lets people take other classes to make up for it, so I took a class called 'Yoga for Dancers'. As I was walking to the place, I got stopped by a couple of people trying to get out the youth vote for Canada's elections on Monday. I got a pretty cool button, but I had to laugh, because I'd already planned to go vote anyways.

That said, I have NO IDEA who the hell I'm gonna vote for. The problem is there's really not much choice. Can't vote for the NDP, they're not too good with money (as witnessed in many provincial governments). Don't really want to vote Liberal, they've been in power too long, and I think Paul Martin might be too old to be a prime minister. He's the same age as Chretien, and that dude retired. That leaves the Conservatives, or the Green Party. In the end, while I do understand the democratic right & responsibility of voting, I know that my vote will not make a difference in my riding which has been a Reform/Conservative stronghold forever, or at least, since I started paying attention to these things back in junior high school. I'm either agreeing with the majority, or wasting my vote on a party that likely won't get a single seat. At least I still have 4 days to decide :P

In other news, I finally called up my friends whose birthdays were about 2 weeks ago. I'm so bad at keeping in touch with people that I don't see on a regular basis. I mean, these are people that I spent most of my time with in university, and now I talk to them once every couple of months, because I always manage to avoid the phone. It's amazing how much of an aversion I have to talking on that thing, stemming from childhood. I'm sure there's some traumatic memory involving the telephone that I've repressed, but I've gotten over it for the most part.

Why is the answer not satisfying?

2004-06-23T15:56:00.000-06:00

I did it, I found what the error is in my circuit. As it turns out, the person who made the pcb design for me made quite the mistake when laying out the circuit. If you change where the output comes from, of course the damn won't work. You'd think that after 2 weeks of frustration, I'd be happy I figured it out. Instead, I'm disappointed, because now I have to get a new set of boards, which could set me back for a while.

Ah well, it's nice outside, screw it. I'll deal with this shite tomorrow.

meh

2004-06-21T13:22:00.000-06:00

Well, it's Monday. Weekend went by quickly this time, for once I was actually busy. I had my funk class on Friday, I love it. I love dancing, and if I was good enough I'd consider it for a career. Funny how different my current career, engineering, is from most of my interests. Dancing & Art are so far removed from circuit theory... After the class I went home to grab some dinner, then went over to Sree's house to watch some movies. We ended up watching Elephant, and Along Came Polly. They were pretty good, though polar opposites. Elephant was very artsy, slow in the beginning, but it came together nicely in the end. Along came polly was ok, some parts were funny, but it was a painfully commercial film.

Saturday, I finally got my mom to clean out her closet, get rid of some of the ridiculously ugly items she'd been holding onto for so long. It took 2 days to organize everything and get it back in, but now my parents actually have some empty space in there. I went out for dinner with a few friends, cause one of them got engaged recently. It's so weird to me. I still feel like a 19 year old, and my friends are already getting to the point where they're going to settle down soon. There's so much stuff I want to do before I get married. It was a nice dinner though, especially cause I hadn't seen the engaged one in sooo long. We ended up talking for hours, like we saw each other all the time. It's a nice feeling, knowing that friendships you made in high school might actually last for a long time, even if you don't see each other very often. It reminds me that I really need to be better at keeping in touch with people, since I'm so bad at it.

And now it's Monday, and I still have the same problems to deal with that I did before. I'd quit, but I don't know what I'd do instead. I guess I'll have to push my way through to the end of this freakin project, and hopefully I'll find some success along the way. I can't believe it's already almost the end of June, I could've sworn I only finished classes 2 weeks ago (as opposed to 2 months).

Screw it, I gotta find me some chocolate.

TGIF

2004-06-18T10:12:00.000-06:00

ahh, fridays. What would we do without them? As much as I'm sure I'm not the first one to wax eloquently about fridays, it still needs to be said: fridays are awesome!

Well, so far, the whole re-arranging my lifestyle to be healthier is going in spurts. My eating habits are hard to corral, as is my inability to make my way to the gym. On the other hand, I did do a resonable amount of activity yesterday, by picking up yoga again. You'd think that after taking it for 2 years, I'd do it more regularly than once every couple of months. It felt good to start up again yesterday, and I'm already in a better mood today. It doesn't hurt that yoga seems to keep you healthy and active well into one's later years. If there's one thing that scares me, it's getting old and becoming dependent on someone else.

I still can't seem to get motivation to do any work, but that's partially because I can't seem to get anything TO work. I hate when things don't work and I have no idea why. Well, hopefully I'll figure out some of it next week, so that I have something to show the supervisor when he gets back.

God, I hate getting my period. It's so much worse than what most women experience. The cramps & nausea usually keep me in bed for a day. This month, I seem to be experiencing the most typical of PMS symptoms: the mood swing. I was so ready to kill anyone that crossed my path yesterday. Today, I'm not doing too badly, but I think that's because my period will start by the end of the day.

ah well, this is apparently my lot in life, so there's not much I can do about it. At least I can relax on the weekend.

whoa...

2004-06-16T10:13:00.000-06:00

So, I did end up seing 'Super Size Me yesterday', and damn, I'm so never eating fast food again. Well, maybe once every couple of months, cause there's not much choice for food on campus, but no more than that. It was a pretty good movie, very entertaining, though the critics were right about it's faults. It didn't really answer the question it asked in the beginning "Where does personal responsibility end and corporate responsibility begin?". Really, if fast food is making you unhealty, you could always just not eat it. The same goes for most unhealthy foods, and as I've experienced more times than I can count, it's easier said than done. Food addiction has to be the worst thing to try to get over, because the usual addiction fighting methods just don't work. You can stop smoking, or drinking caffeine, but you really can't stop eating. (Well, you could, but there's not much point to that.)

The more I think about it, the more I realise exactly how bad my problem really is. I'm a sugar addict. I figured this out years ago, and still haven't been able to come up with a way to kick the habit. The most successful I've been was that one month back in high school when I limited my sugar intake to the natural sugars in fruit and milk. I should try that again, but I think I'd be miserable to be around for the first 2 weeks. I tried kicking the caffeine habit last semester, and actually got headaches from the effort (probably not the best idea to try quiting 3 weeks before finals). I've started a "Health Log" where I'm going to write down what I eat and any activity I do during the day, at the time when it occurs. I tried just doing it at night, but I'd forget half of the time because I'm so freakin absent-minded. I'm taking this 5 week dance class, and I actually forgot to go to my second lesson. It's a good thing that they allow make-up sessions for classes that you miss, which reminds me that I should pick one of those soon, since I have to take it before the end of june.

In other news, my circuit's doing some crazy shite, so I've abandoned it for now. I'm gonna look through some theoretical stuff, and maybe trace out the connections on the circuit board, before I try more soldering and testing. It's so frustrating when not only does the damn thing not work, but it behaves differently every time.

sooo tired, you'd think this coffee would've kicked in by now. I'm gonna have to sleep early tonite, which means I should go work out, so that I'm tired enough to just crash. Slowly and gradually I turned myself into a night owl, and now I can't sleep before midnight most of the time. That makes it really hard to get up before 7, since I need 8 hours of sleep, especially over the past month. I wonder if I'm still feeling the effects of the cold that I had for the past 3.5 weeks, it made me miserable. My voice was gone for over a week, I could barely talk, or swallow properly. The only reason I think it might be gone is that my appetite's returned somewhat.

yeah, I really should get to work, I've only been here for 2 hours already without cracking open my notes :P

Work Dammit!

2004-06-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

Grrrrrrrrrr.

This circuit is going to be the end of me, i swear... Why is it that things just won't work the first time you try them? It'd make my life sooo much easier. Instead, I get to spend countless hours soldering & removing components, until I figure out what's going on... Can't go do that now, I still have a headache from this morning's session.

(pause)

I'm going to see 'Super Size Me' tonite, so I was just reading some reviews. Most seem to think that the movie's brilliant, while there's the odd critique that points out some holes in the logic behind the movie. Should be interesting.

k, I've finally gotten up the courage to head to the labs, so that's all for today.

Work Dammit!

The Joys of Procrastination

2004-06-14T13:25:00.000-06:00

Ha, that was fast... As the title may suggest, I'm procrastinating with work at the moment... It's a hard habit to break, especially when you've been doing it since you were 8... I still remember the first time I put off finishing something, it was a report on leukemia that I had to do in Grade 3. No, I don't remember what the point of it was, though it couldn't have been that involved, considering most grade 3 kids are still trying to figure out the whole multiplication and writing in sentences thing. Anyways, so we had to do a bit of research on something, and write a little report. This report ended up being the first thing I'd ever typed on a computer, so I don't think it could have gone very quickly. I even did a bit of graphics for the title page (keep in mind we're talking the second half of the 80's). Where's the procrastination come in? I did most of this the night before it was due, of course. I remember we had to go to my dad's office to print it off at like 9:30, which was late for an 8 year old...

Since then? I've procrastinated with more things than I can count, including the losing weight idea I mentioned in my last post. Currently I'm procrastinating about getting up from my desk to go to the lab, where i have to start some testing... See, I'm a graduate student, and the sooner I start things, the sooner I'll graduate. You'd think that'd be motivation to get off my ass and go do some research, but you'd be mistaken. Even though I'm at school 8 hours a day, I think I might be getting an average of 1.5-2 hours of semi-productive work done... Of course, this at least keeps my supervisor's expectations low, so that if I decide I want a bit of a break, I could easily ramp up the amount of work I do for a couple of days, and then just leak out the results slowly :)

Ah, who am I kidding? I haven't done an honest day's work in so long, I don't even remember what it feels like. I guess I'll have to try harder soon, if I ever want to graduate and get a job out in industry...

ok, that's it for now, i swear...

Time to get this started

2004-06-14T13:10:00.000-06:00

Well, hello there. If anyone's actually reading this, I'm impressed. I thought I'd finally create a little weblog for myself, so here it is. Excited yet? yeah, me either.

So, like an ever-increasing portion of the north american population, I'm overweight. I am trying to lose weight though, at my own snail-like pace. So far, well, I've dropped 15 pounds from my maximum weight, and have maintained that for a couple of years (well, the number's approximate, my weight's always going up and down a bit). That said, I'm not particularly close to being healthy, and I have recently resolved to drop the other 25 pounds necessary to just get me into the top end of the healthy weight range.

I clicked on a link off of a website today, that went to www.smallsteps.gov . While surfing that site, I found an alarming statistic, that any woman with a waist circumference of > 35 inches is in serious trouble. Guess what, I'm one of them. The goal over the next 2 months is to drop as much fat as it takes to bring my waist down to that number. Last time I measured, my waist was at least 37 inches, and I think I was slightly holding my breath. Scary shite that is. I'll post once a week with updates for sure, otherwise I'll be posting with random events in my life, as most people seem to do.

Until next time...